My father, like me, is a psychotherapist.  Not only that but we both specialize in the same area, sex.  I’ve written already about our unique personal and professional relationship so I’m not going to spend a lot of time on it now.  What I will do here however, is break down a bit further where our opinions and practices differ, diverge.  And why.

It’s common knowledge that teens tend to rebel against their parents wisdom, dictates, and mandates.  So imagine this.  Rather than having a father who towers above you, warning about the risks associated with sex, instilling fear in your heart about it’s implications, who rather than judging and guarding your development to determine whether or not you have become sexually active, instead asks if you if you feel you are ready and if have any questions, hands you some condoms, and tells you to have fun.

What would you do?

Well, most people would probably answer that they would do just that.  Have fun.  Experiment.  Maybe even go a little crazy.  But not me.  Oh no.

That’s not to say that I didn’t start having sex in my teen years.  It’s just that I looked at my free pass, my dance card, with skepticism.  Hesitation.  If my parents weren’t going to guard my sacred virginity like a lion at the gate then I guess it was my responsibility to make a decision about what I wanted to do with it.

The thing about sex is that for kids it’s not a matter of “if”.  It’s a matter of “when, why, how, and with who”.  My father’s approach to my sexual curiosity and development was far from being irresponsible.  It was informed and empowering.  But it was also different then what I knew to be the approach of other parents I knew.

So here’s how it all turned out.  starting around age 15, I became a serial mongamist.  I had sex, I enjoyed sex, but only within the context of a long-term relationship and with someone that I trusted and knew well.  I did not have one night stands or casual sex with a partner that I was not romantically involved with.  Many years later, immediately following my divorce, my relationships tended to get whittled down from a few years to a few months for a period of time, but the structure was essential the same.  Now I am in a partnership that I see being a lifelong commitment.  And I see it being monogamous.

My father blogs for Psychology Today.  He writes often about non-monogamy and about casual sex and the benefits associated with both.  His most recent post, “In Defense of Casual Sex”, has gone viral http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intelligent-lust/201112/in-defense-casual-sex.  It’s a great piece.  And I really respect and admire his position.  It just doesn’t work for me. At times, I have wished that it had.  Have even seen it as a set-back, a weakness or shortcoming on my part.  But inevitably I returned to the same conclusion.  It doesn’t.

Everyone’s psychological make-up is different. So very different that it would be impossible to draw a precise and accurate conclusion of why we are who we are, why we make the choices that we do based on tracing back each and every event and interaction in our personal history. The best we can do is make connections, find themes.  A theme my father is that some of his most intimate and meaningful sexual encounters have been brief and with people he had very little personal knowledge of.  That is so in part because of the freedom it provided him to be his authentic and uncompromised self.  For me, I find that I simply cannot open up, relax, feel present enough in my body to experience sexual pleasure with someone that I don’t feel close to in ways that are not purely physical.  I don’t know why this is.  And I’m not sure that it matters.  Because in both my father’s case and in mine, we are both acting in a way that works for us.  A way that is genuine and intentional.

Part of the reason that my father’s ideas are so overwhelmingly popular, striking a chord for so many, is because he presents an argument that is counter to the norm.  But the norm is typically a place where you don’t find a whole lot of thoughtful insight and intentional choice.  So while my sexual personality and preferences is more traditional, more indicative of the historic norm, it doesn’t come from a puritanical place ruled by fear or condemnation.  It doesn’t come from a place of comforming in order to keep the status-quo and prevent societal chaos.  It comes from me.  My comfort level.  My knowledge of myself, which is based on my own personal experiences.

If I were Queen Of The World (a common fantasy of mine), I would encourage everyone to follow their own hearts and refrain from condemning others for doing the same.  Keep it honest, keep the communication open, and make choices from a place of love and respect and not out of un-named fear. Not only will it result in a happier and more satisfying life, it’s a hell of a lot easier.

« »